Heaven’s Gate Minute by Minute: Part 49 of 229

49 of 229

O-oh! It’s confrontation time! James is ordered out of the clubhouse and there is a lot of macho posturing until the guy from Law and Order slaps him across the face with his gloves. James open palm slaps him back and it becomes a little awkward. This is a western, shouldn’t they spit in a spittoon and draw pistols? At least use a fist, for goodness sake. They look as though they’re performing a German folk dance. There is no piano or piani player, no card gamblers and the villain isn’t even wearing a black hat. And if they are staging a German slap dance, there is a severe lack of accordion! John Ford would be turning in his grave, unless he was cremated, in which case he’d be churning in his urn, or viewing the scene with indifference. Everything seems less important once you’ve been turned to ash. But if you’re trapped in a box you spend your days being outraged at trivial things. The main reason is you need the exercise and an excuse to roll around. If it weren’t for the worms, you’d get so flabby just lying there. To clarify, I am suggesting that John Ford would take issue with a German slap dance devoid of accordion. He’s a purist.

Heaven’s Gate Minute by Minute: Part 48 of 229

48 of 229

Basset Horn

Is Count Harriet Mensworth-Smithe going to stop the Stock Growers Association from slaughtering cattle thieves as though they were… cattle? Probs not, is the answer. (I’m paraphrasing.) This telling moment is underscored by a solemn, stripped back acoustic guitar rendition of the Blue Danube. The minimalist music is in stark contrast to every single other aspect of the production. If the music were to match the epic nature of the rest of the film, it would be recorded by a 12,047 piece orchestra, conducted by everyone who’s ever conducted (living or dead), and feature instruments from all over the known universe, including long forgotten instruments such as the basset horn and completely invented instruments such as the shoe-bow.

Why the Blue Danube? I’ve no idea. Perhaps it’s a bizarre reference to 2001: A Space Odyssey and the movie is about to match cut from a billiard table in the 19^th century a few thousand years into the future to a space billiard deck of the 23^rd century. I saw one of those at a World’s Fair in the sixties. The astronauts looked as though they were having fun, but I noted they were chalking the ends of their cues before each shot. Surely if you’ve the capability to shoot pool in space, you could invent a cue tip with enhanced grip. Hang on, how on Earth did I get to see a World’s Fair in the sixties? Oh yes, that’s right; Fred gave me a lift.

Heaven’s Gate Minute by Minute: Part 47 of 229

The blow by blow account of Heaven’s Gate continues in 2012. If all goes well, it’ll be completely reviewed by 3050…

47 of 229

Can the Stock Growers Association massacre cattle thieves without consequence? “In principle, everything can be done,” believes Billy/Count Harriet Mensworth-Smithe. In principle, perhaps. But in practical terms, not everything is possible, such as fly racing. It’s near impossible to get the bloody things to race in a straight line and have you ever attempted to attach a fly to a sulky? They weigh a ton, the harnesses are ill fitting and it tends to upset the flies. And that’s not the worst of it! The Fly Racing Association is corrupt and the sport rife with cheating. How they inject the flies with steroids I’ll never know. Surely the needle would pass straight through? I don’t understand the sport’s appeal. I’ve been to a few meets and it’s usually a shambles. Any movement of the sulkies and jockeys is purely incidental and due more to wind and plate tectonics, rather than from the fly’s efforts and it’s bloody noisy. There is nothing more disconcerting than a chorus of frustrated and furious flies. Ban fly racing, I say. It’ll never happen, though – the State Government makes too much from the tax revenue.

Heaven’s Gate Minute by Minute – 46 of 229

Dear Sir,

I took particular exception to your critique of my alleged ‘seriousness’ in the forty-fifth installment of your blow-by-by account of Heaven’s Gate. I am constantly fighting my reputation as a person who takes himself too seriously, when I in fact enjoy levity. Just last Christmas I told a joke about a sheep and this was before I recited Hamlet in its entirety. My sheep quip received quite the response and it was totally spontaneous. It wasn’t even in one of those bon-bons where you get a present and a paper hat, which I refuse to wear. Those bloody things are so uncomfortable and unflattering. The children are always pleading, “Uncle John, Uncle John, put on your paper crown!” the little whinging shits. Can’t they see I’m trying to enjoy my turkey without interruption from bright-eyed little fuckers who’ve yet to be shown that life is a pitiless, merciless endurance that doesn’t require further complication by being forced to wear silly fucking hats!

Yours sincerely,

John Hurt

46 of 229

John Hurt sinks an impressive shot off two rails and into the corner pocket. I wonder how long that took to perfect? There goes two days of shooting right there. Perhaps he’s not acting drunk and is genuinely intoxicated. No one can play that well sober. Yes, even billiard world champions. You know who you are…

The phrase “gob spit”, a synonym for bulldust, hare swill and horse twaddle is used to great affect. I think it should be reintroduced into the modern vernacular. I say, “reintroduced” because I assume it was used previously and wasn’t the invention of the writer. If anyone has any information on the etymology of “gob spit”, please set up a website called cowboyphrases.org and sit back and enjoy the fruits of your labours. But for goodness sake, don’t write to me.

Heaven’s Gate Minute by Minute – 45 of 229

45 of 229

“Bill, you’re the only son of a bitch I ever knew worth getting seriously drunk with,” says James. I suggest getting seriously drunk in order to endure this minute because it’s seriously dull. Grab yourself a bottle of hard liquor… no scratch that – grab a mask, a dropper and some ether because you’ll need something a little stronger.

Count Harriet Mensworth-Smithe (Bill) quotes somebody and that’s about it. There’s some mild panda thrashing, but not much else happens. The quote is delivered as though its poignant. It’s about drifting – presumably off to sleep before movie’s end. I find when I’m playing pool and a friend stares into the middle distance and starts quoting nonsense it makes for an enlightening but tedious game of nine ball. In such circumstances I coolly chalk the cue tip, then throw them out the window. Often I’ll dive after them screaming, “Quote Keats now, you fucker!” and seven out of ten times, they don’t.

As a side note; John Hurt is seriously overacting, the self-important git. He needs to lighten-up. Wear an amusing shirt once in a while and just chill…

Heaven’s Gate Minute by Minute – 44 of 229

44 of 229

The mysterious snooker player is James! Stop weeping and pay-up, Giles. I don’t care if your kids go hungry. A small note to the props department – those billiard balls look really big. Have they gotten smaller in the last hundred years? Because the balls James is hitting around seem to be as big as Fitballs™. You could sit on them for ergonomic support, which would come in handy after bending over a billiard table all day. The science of ergonomics has come a long way, but I feel people seem to slouch more these days. Is that just me? To clarify, I don’t slouch. I was questioning whether others have noticed the decline in correct posture. You could lay me down and put a spirit level on my back.

Some important information is revealed in this minute, namely John Hurt’s character’s, um… name. It’s Billy, which I find a bit of a let down. I was expecting Count Harriet Mensworth-Smithe of the Grand Dutchy of Lutsylvania. I swear those balls are bigger than usual; they’re seriously the size of pandas.

A slight amount of intrigue underpins this scene. James and Count Harriet Mensworth-Smithe haven’t seen each other in a long time. The Counts asks why James has come, but James is coy. He could be up to something, or might just be concentrating really hard on not breaking his cue on the giant panda balls.

Heaven’s Gate Minute by Minute – 43 of 2,478,949

43 of 2,478,949

The bovine silent film comedy continues as John Hurt stumbles into the next room, stealing a cigar from a sleeping man slumped in a chair. The soundtrack lets this minute down. A trombone making ‘barrr-ruump’ sounds to accentuate each moment of perfectly executed physical comedy is lacking. This sequence should also have been shot in monochrome, instead of yellow-brown hued colour film. Why does it appear so yellow? Perhaps Michael Cimino spilled tea on the final print. Or maybe he deliberately soaked it in tea to give the illusion of age, like when you dunk a map you’ve drawn in tea to make it seem ye olde for a school project. Those were the days! To give your map a further air of authenticity you’d take a lighter and scorch the edges as though every map from the 17^th and 18^th century suffered some minor form of fire damage. It’s how can you tell if an old map is the genuine article – the more scorch marks, the older the map. This is why few maps survive from medieval times. As they age the maps eventually burn away, which is what inevitably happens to your school project as your subtle scorching turns inferno, forcing you to run to the sink to put it out. You’re left with some cinders, no homework and a baking tray of undrinkable tea.

With his Charlie Chaplin homage complete, Mr. Hurt heads upstairs to investigate a strange noise that sounds like billiard balls clanking together. I wonder who could be shooting pool up there? I bet it’s James. Anyone want to bet me? No? Didn’t think so. It’s almost certain to be him and I wouldn’t take on that bet. Perhaps I’ll go see if Giles next door would like to – he’s a gambling addict. I think that’s why his wife left him. Easy money… It’s not the only reason she left. They’d been drifting apart for years and Giles burning down the cellar in an attempt to age their wine didn’t help.

Heaven’s Gate Minute by Minute – 42 of 229

42 of 229

Evidently the Governor is on board for massacring cattle thieves and I must admit my assumption expressed in entry 30 of 229 that cows were hiring gunmen to carry out revenge killings on Hungarians for eating them appears to be false. I do, however, stand by my claim that John Hurt is a cow. Don’t ask me why, it just seems to fit. Cows find it difficult to act drunk as they are creatures of four legs and have little experience with poor balance. John Hurt is either a cow struggling to act authentically drunk, or Mr. Hurt believed he was acting in a hammy silent era comedy, where pratfalls and hilarious stumbling over furniture japery was the order of the day. Put this scene on roller skates and we’d have a comedy classic on our hands.

The shooting cattle thieves scheme is put to a vote and John Hurt exits the room with a disgusted look on his face. He’s either abstaining from the vote or hurriedly leaving to throw up all the brandy he’s ingested. As he has two stomachs there’s going to be a lot of vomit. Thank goodness the spooky butlers are multiplying because it’s going to take a few to clean it all up.

 

Heaven’s Gate – Minute by Minute part 41 of 229

41 of 229

To catch you up, as I got slightly distracted with the performance of the extra playing Crowd Member #7 last review (he was rather good), there were some minor plot developments I neglected to mention. The meeting is chaired by the actor who plays the lawyer on Law and Order and provided the voice for Abraham Lincoln in Ken Burns’ epic documentary series The Civil War. Lincoln himself was a lawyer, but is now dead. Anyway, the small plot points I missed are the meeting is of the Stock Growers Association and they’re employing fifty men at five dollars a day to kill cattle thieves with a bonus of fifty dollars for each thief shot or hung. They’re then going to go to Johnson County, depose the civil authority and keep possession of the town until they can take charge of the courts. Nothing major; barely worth mentioning, really…

John Hurt seems upset at the prospect of hiring vigilantes to murder cattle thieves and moves they stop. But what about the job losses? What are those poor murderous goons to do? Where will they go? John Hurts cares not for the working families of the 1890s. I think in another life, I would have liked to have been a hired gun. It’d be fun to have on your business card and an interesting talking point at dinner parties. Hang on a second; there are now two spooky butlers in the room! Are they multiplying? Never mind the hungry/Hungary people stealing out of desperation, turn your guns on the spooky butlers before they take over the world. They have vengeance in their hearts! Look at the way they’re just standing there! It’s only a matter of time before they rise up and refuse to serve you cream with your coffee!

 

 

Heaven’s Gate – Minute by Minute part 40 of 229

This is possibly one of the greatest ‘character speaks, crowd reacts with derision or agreement’ scenes in motion picture history. It takes a great degree of skill to direct your extras to nod and make “oh yes, indubitably” noises without looking hammy or over the top. All the moves are there. For derision they bust out the classics – Look to the people either side of you, shaking your head; look down to your lap as you shake your head and the oldie but goody; lean forward, shake your head and mutter something incomprehensible to the person next to you. For agreement, the moves are pretty much exactly the same, but substitute head shaking for head nodding and do it with a smile instead of a scowl. One extra just sniffed, which was a nice flourish. You don’t get paid for such improvisations – that was on his time.

For the aspiring extras reading this, it’s important to give your character of Crowd Member #7 (for example), a full and complex back-story. Just by the sudden audible drawing of air through his nose, I can tell the character was born in Canada and raised by a half-amphibian man named Clyde. Through swimming the lakes of Nova Scotia alongside his guardian, Crowd Member #7 developed a severe disliking for Clyde and icy water and moved south when he turned 19 ¾ . He took a job as a door-to-door salesman and married a botanist named Carrie, who he accidentally locked in a cupboard. He enjoyed the peace and quiet and Carrie had a thing for enclosed spaces, so they were both happy until Carrie suddenly exploded. Crowd Member #7 wandered aimlessly for many years until he caught a cold from a Burmese prostitute and found himself at a meeting with John Hurt.

Read the rest of Simon’s Heaven’s Gate odyssey by clicking here or here. It’s the same link, I just wanted to type some more. I get so lonely…