Film Review: Angels and Demons (2009)

7 Jun

cactus_garden_1

It was an afternoon session of Angels and Demons that drew me in. I decided to go during the day as the cinemas are generally cleaner and I find there are fewer bees.

As the previews rolled, I was practically alone in the cinema. There was one gentleman, nine or so rows away in J17, who had brought in his own cactus and of course there were the millions of symbiotic microbes on and in my body that usually accompany me on trips to the cinema.

As the lights went down another patron entered the cinema. When there are only two or three people in attendance at a session, seat numbers are fairly pointless. I was sitting in my assigned seat, but was first in and had no way of knowing whether the cinema would fill up. Of the 200 plus seats this man could have sat in, he sat directly next to me.

He was a peculiar person; dressed in a full brown hooded robe and ate popcorn from an old hat. The hood completely shrouded his face in shadow and his hands were covered by the cloak’s wide baggy sleeves. I had specifically asked the human at the ticket counter not to be seated next to any druids or wizards, so I figured he must be a die hard fan.

As the opening credit sequence wound up, the cloaked man put his hand on my leg and whispered in my ear.

“Come with me if you want to live,” he said.

“Who are you?” I uneasily inquired.

“I am Roger.”

“Pleased to meet you. Do you think you could take your hand off my leg?”

“Oh, yes. Sorry,” said Roger apologetically.

“That’s alright,” I lied.

“Time is pressing,” Roger blurted out. “You must follow me.”

I figured this loon must have been just a little too heavily into Dan Brown, but I asked Roger why I should follow him. He huskily told me that we were both in grave danger. Apparently, word had reached the Vatican that I was watching Angels and Demons (2009).

Naturally, I queried why the Vatican would care, but Roger insisted that was not important right now.

“Listen, Roger.” I began. “I’m not going anywhere, I’ve come to watch a film and –“

cactus barrel

Before I could finish my sentence the man in J17 stood, turned and fired 36,000 rounds from a Vatican issue Tommy Gun. Roger and I ducked. Thankfully the accumulated filth on the seats deflected most of the bullets. Roger leapt up and threw three ninja stars, a ceremonial dagger and a can opener at the would-be assassin. The can opener struck him square in the shoulder. He tumbled back over the seat directly behind him and was knocked out cold.

Before I could digest what had just happened, the cactus sprung from its pot and fired its spines directly at me. Roger threw his baggy sleeve in front of my cowering frame, blocking all of the spikes. He shook them from his cloak and flew toward the cactus. Roger and the cactus wrestled and duelled. The cactus knocked Roger right into the screen and he fell to the ground. The cactus tried to body slam Roger, but the cloaked warrior managed to roll out of the way at the last moment and leap on the cactus as it hit the floor.

“Run!” cried Roger. “Save yourself!”

As Roger laid several blows into the cactus, (most cushioned by his oversized sleeves), I fled the cinema. As I ran past the ticket counter, the human from whom I’d bought the ticket said apologetically, “Oh, hey, did you say you wanted to sit next to a wizard, or didn’t?” I ignored the question and escaped onto the street.

cactus2

Huffing and puffing, I staggered into a bookstore figuring that if I couldn’t see the movie, I might as well attempt to read the book. I found a copy of Angels and Demons and opened it. A cloud of poisonous gas erupted from the novel, engulfing my face and I collapsed onto the bargain table.

I came to around ten minutes later thanks to the smelling salts the Borders staff keep handy at all times. The encircled staff members were happy to see I’d regained consciousness and for some bizarre reason applauded.

Fed-up and resigned to the fact I was never going to see or read Angels and Demons I asked the Borders employees if anyone had seen the movie. In unison, they replied, “Yes.”

“Was it good?” I asked dejectedly.

They all nodded and said, “Yeah, it was good.”

So there we have it – if the Vatican doesn’t thwart your every attempt, you should see Angels and Demons. If you don’t like it, blame Borders.

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One Response to “Film Review: Angels and Demons (2009)”

  1. Jemila July 14, 2009 at 9:39 pm #

    What is this a creative writing competition?

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