Heavens Gate: Minute by Minute review: Part 23: The Return!

28 Apr

After a long and drawn out court proceeding, Death by 229 Cuts is back! Mr. Cimino put out an injunction against the review claiming it was “slanderous, malicious and very silly”. Of course, he’s right, but I couldn’t let that twerp get the better of me, so for the last few months I’ve been fighting for the continuation of the review in the courts. After twelve seconds deliberation the judge ruled:

I have heard both sides of this case. This is of little consequence as I also, when considering my verdict, watched Heaven’s Gate. I found it to be very long – very, very long… so long and well, long. I am a Harvard man, Mr. Cimino and my aunt was once set on fire. Her name was Cathy. Wonderful woman. I also don’t particularly enjoy the music of Kris Kristofferson. I mean, he’s ok, but never really grabbed me as an artist. I’ve got a “best of” lying around somewhere that one of my kids bought for me as a Christmas present, but I never listen to it. Anyway, I rule in favour of Mr. Godfrey and order you to pay him damages of $12 million. Probably a bit excessive, but it’s been a long day. Can I award damages like that to a defendant? Ah well, who cares? I’m a judge; I can do whatever the hell I bloody please. Court adjourned. Stop weeping!”

So with special thanks to inherent injustices in the justice system I present the return of Death by 229 Cuts!

23 of 229

Good grief! It’s Christopher Walken and he just wasted that guy! He blew a hole right through the sheet and through the Hungarian man’s abdomen. As he flies back into the butchered animal carcass, the animal inaudibly mutters, “Serves you right.” The man’s wife, or relative, or whatever is distraught, but has to admit, it was a pretty good shot – blind through a sheet; that’s some marksmanship! She will come to acknowledge this in time. Walken turns nonchalantly and struts away, while the wife covers her loved one in a sheet to keep the guts from spilling out. I know she’s probably in shock, but seriously, that sheet aint gonna do much, lady. Having completed the kill, Walken rides off into the distance. Let’s hope his sacrifice pleases the giraffe dragon. Bite me, Cimino.

Simon Godfrey

Catch up on Simon’s efforts pre-supreme court here.

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