Heaven’s Gate Minute by Minute – 46 of 229

9 Sep

Dear Sir,

I took particular exception to your critique of my alleged ‘seriousness’ in the forty-fifth installment of your blow-by-by account of Heaven’s Gate. I am constantly fighting my reputation as a person who takes himself too seriously, when I in fact enjoy levity. Just last Christmas I told a joke about a sheep and this was before I recited Hamlet in its entirety. My sheep quip received quite the response and it was totally spontaneous. It wasn’t even in one of those bon-bons where you get a present and a paper hat, which I refuse to wear. Those bloody things are so uncomfortable and unflattering. The children are always pleading, “Uncle John, Uncle John, put on your paper crown!” the little whinging shits. Can’t they see I’m trying to enjoy my turkey without interruption from bright-eyed little fuckers who’ve yet to be shown that life is a pitiless, merciless endurance that doesn’t require further complication by being forced to wear silly fucking hats!

Yours sincerely,

John Hurt

46 of 229

John Hurt sinks an impressive shot off two rails and into the corner pocket. I wonder how long that took to perfect? There goes two days of shooting right there. Perhaps he’s not acting drunk and is genuinely intoxicated. No one can play that well sober. Yes, even billiard world champions. You know who you are…

The phrase “gob spit”, a synonym for bulldust, hare swill and horse twaddle is used to great affect. I think it should be reintroduced into the modern vernacular. I say, “reintroduced” because I assume it was used previously and wasn’t the invention of the writer. If anyone has any information on the etymology of “gob spit”, please set up a website called cowboyphrases.org and sit back and enjoy the fruits of your labours. But for goodness sake, don’t write to me.

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