Heaven’s Gate Minute by Minute: 91 of 229

19 Sep

Dear Mr. Godfrey,

Thank you for submitting your screenplay Just West of Xanadu for production consideration. Throughout the year we receive a high volume of… Actually, I rescind my thanks and instead rebuke you and demand in future not to waste my time, or my department’s.

Possibly, you’re a first time writer and by that I mean someone of zero literacy skills who’s never heard the English language spoken. You could also completely off your trolley, but either way here are some pointers to keep in mind when submitting a script.

1. It is accepted practice that you name your characters and don’t refer to them by the names of the actors you wish to play them.

2. Do not handwrite your scrip. It’s messy and particularly daft in this instance given your cover letter was typed and you clearly have access to computer.

3. Be certain your story is complete and don’t fill plot holes with the direction “Gene Kelly in a cowboy hat improvs for a bit.” Firstly, Gene Kelly has been dead for twenty years and secondly… there is no secondly; that’s it.

Please don’t contact me ever again.

Yours,

Someone rather important at Warner Bros.

91 of 229

The character Christopher Walken plays seems mighty surly. He’s really brought down the mood at the brothel. I hate when people do that. If you’re in an old West bordello, leave your frown at the door. Most have frown racks for patrons to safely leave negative facial expressions and there’s no excuse for carrying it around inside. If you are fearful one of the girls might steal your frown, I’m sure the Madame would be more than happy to lock it up for you. Better yet, banks have special scowl safety deposit boxes. Personally, I keep my ‘Grrrrrrr’ face in one and I find the rates very reasonable. They won’t store ‘Ahrg!” expressions as apparently it’s too noisy, but you could hide the ‘Ahrg!’ inside a ‘Grrrrrr’ and no one would ever know.

Be aware brothel frown racks fill-up quickly and I do recommend putting your furrowed brow in a bank. It’s the best way to avoid embarrassment and save face.

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