Heaven’s Gate Minute by Minute: 154 of 229

29 Nov

Dear Mr. Godfrey,

Thank you for submitting your screenplay ’Just West of Xanadu’ for production consideration. Unfortunately we do not have room on our production slate for such an epic and epically moronic picture.

“The Cowboy’s beard sings” is the stupidest direction I’ve ever read, but somehow makes more sense than your convoluted, absurd plot. Why does a detective suddenly appear early in the third act? And what is the significance of the sword that is constantly mentioned, but never seen? The characters speak knowingly about it, but it has zero bearing on the story. I would sooner option a shuffled deck of playing cards, than entertain the notion of producing this film for one nano second.

And did you use carbon paper to generate the copy of the script? Where do you even get carbon paper these days?

Go to hell,

David Lesley

Head of Production, Disney

154 of 229

The fiddler plays on. It’s a sad moment for Ella and James and my suspicion is this violinist wanders around looking for emotional moments to accompany. If a shopkeeper is about to lose his or her business, the bank is moving in and he or she is saying goodbye to the store, a call must be put in to the local chamber of commerce, or rowing club, or any sort of local organisation, who rings a bell, which alerts the fiddler his solemn caterwauling is required.

It was against the law to feel any sort of emotion in the Wild West, without live musical accompaniment. It’s why learning an instrument was such an important skill. If you were about to cry, you could grab a cello and let the world know. An important lesson to remember is tears warp the wood of cellos. I learned that the hard way and I’ll never thrash a person about the face with one again.

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2 Responses to “Heaven’s Gate Minute by Minute: 154 of 229”

  1. jimmydevious November 29, 2012 at 3:07 pm #

    The first part of that that concludes with “…such a moronic picture” sounds not too dissimiliar from one of my “favorite” publishing rejection letters I received.

    YeahI Have it framed and up on my wall! 😉

    • Simon Godfrey May 25, 2013 at 4:39 pm #

      Hi Jimmydevious, sorry for the late reply, but I’ve been in a pillow fort fending off goblins.

      I would love to see this letter, what typeface did the publisher use? It’s good to hang those sort of things on your wall. Surrounding yourself with rejection is the only way to keep yourself grounded and permanently weeping, I find.

      All the best,
      Simon

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