Heaven’s Gate Minute by Minute: 166 of 209 and a bit…

13 Dec

Dear Mr. Godfrey,

Thank you for your letter of enquiry regarding the DVD release of Heaven’s Gate. To date, you’re the only person who has bought it, so I guess we owe you thanks.

As for the missing twenty minutes, MGM apologises, but as it states on the rear of the DVD cover, the film running time is just an approximation. You can appreciate ascertaining an accurate running time would have required one of our staff to sit through the film and we chose to spare our employees the tedium of doing so under advice that it was a potential OH&S risk. But MGM understands you have been inconvenienced and we hope you will accept our apology. 

However, MGM, as you suggested, will not be producing your screenplay Just West of Xanadu to ‘make up for it’. Your script has to be the single most mind numbingly idiotic thing ever committed to paper. And while on the subject of paper, a tip for next time – don’t submit work on velum. It’s an unnecessary expense for you and does not lend you screenplay the gravitas your hand written note, ‘Hey look – velum. Pretty bloody classy, hey? Must be a worthwhile script,’ claims.

I would sooner shoot an extra 20 minutes of Heaven’s Gate; assembling the principal cast, extras and production crew and digitally removing signs of age from the actors frame by frame myself, rather than take even one step toward production, like assigning a script editor, of your film.

Any correspondence we receive from you, will be destroyed, unopened, 


166 of 209 and a bit

Another town meeting. Jeff Bridges has the floor. The floor has lice, but is receiving delousing treatment next week. The discussion is about James and I think Jeff is arguing he should return. I don’t know if there are to be any other items discussed, I wasn’t sent an agenda in advance. I hate when people forget to do that.

Sometimes I think it’s done deliberately to keep me in the dark. I also believe my meetings are held underground with the lights off for the same reason. It gets so cold down there and I swear the person next to me keeps rubbing my arm on purpose. It’s not a lengthy rub, but long enough for it to be weird and not long enough that I can confidently call it deliberate.


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