Heaven’s Gate Minute by Minute: 197 of 209

30 May

197 of 209

The troopers ride away. I wonder where the production got all the horses from? A vending machine, I suppose.

The dust settles and Jeff Bridges despondently leans on his rifle. Weaponry makes great portable seating. My grandma has a camping chair that doubles as a submachine gun. She also has a BBQ that doubles as the HMAS Melbourne. She’s a resourceful woman.

Cut to a lovely scenic wide shot, where a purple tinted sky and towering mountains meet a lot of dead bodies. Postcard idea!

James staggers to Jeff Bridges, who is learning lines for Iron Man. The haunting acoustic guitar rendition of The Blue Danube strikes up. Firstly, the Danube isn’t that blue and secondly, I doubt Strauss would have liked his music used in such a quizzically pointless way. Why The Blue Danube? If you play any piece of music slowed down and on a single instrument you can make it sound sorrowful. Seriously, pick up a guitar and play Ode to Joy at half speed.

Well, learn guitar first, oh and buy one. OK, I’ll wait while you have a few lessons and pick an instrument. Right. Are we good to go? Yes, fine, you can get a drink of water first… you don’t have to use a pick… yes, I have one… here you can borrow it… no, you don’t have to go to the toilet, just quickly play Ode to Joy… no, I know I don’t want the music played quickly, I mean commence playing quickly… you’re stalling aren’t you? Don’t be shy. I know you’ve only had a few lessons, just play… OK, I’ll turn around. Can you play now? Thank you. There, you see what I mean?! Half pace equals mournful! You should really get some more lessons by the way.



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