Tag Archives: Heaven’s Gate Minute by Minute

Heaven’s Gate Minute by Minute: 209 of 209

10 Jun

209 of 209

I’m yet to see the names of the million plus extras. I suppose there’s not enough material in the universe to make the film stock required to screen all those names.

What on Earth is ‘Atmosphere Casting’? Did this Tony Gaznick character cast smoke, haze, mist and shards of light? Or was he responsible for the nitrogen, oxygen and argon on set?

“Hey, Ms. Casting Agent Person,”
“Hi Tony, what can I do for you?”
“We’ve got a role for some air. It’ll be playing the town photographer, have you got a canister you can send over?”
“Tony, you know the air on my books won’t play 19th century photographers. They keep geting burned up in the magnesium flashes.”

Before CGI, actors were forced to play layers of gas in motion pictures. In addition to John Proctor, Daniel Day Lewis also played the exosphere in The Crucible. He’s so versatile.

Oh, the key grips were Richard Deats and Tony Cridlin. That’s good to know, I was thinking throughout the whole film that the movie is well gripped. I must send them a congratulatory e-card.

The credits move seamlessly into the thank yous. A courteous man, Michael Cimino has been generous in extending his gratitude. He thanks the USA, then the Governor of Montana, Glacier National Parks and several other forest/park departments who I presume are all part of the USA. If you lead by thanking the entire country, is there a need to get into specifics? You just say, “Thanks America,” and everyone is covered. Thank Earth just to be on the safe side if you’re frightened of missing someone, like Penny. Everyone always forgets poor ol’ Penny. If you’re asking yourself, “Who the hell is Penny?” Exactly. Case in point.

The music and the increasing sparcity of the names leads me to believe the film is at last ending. As the final credits role, it might be a good moment to reflect. Cue reflection music, something with a harp and a basset horn, but no keytars.

After four years and having finally seen all of it, what do I think of Heaven’s Gate; the tale of love amidst the Johnson County cattle wars of Wyoming during the late 1800s? My final analysis is the film is much like this review – long, pointless and centred on something completely obscure.

Written in Panavision.

Colour by the distribution of light power versus wavelength interacting with the eye.

The soundtrack for this review can be purchased through Sony Records, or stolen from John Hurt’s garage.

Thank you for reading, thank you Penny and thank you Earth.

The end.




Heaven’s Gate Minute by Minute: 129 of 229

31 Oct

129 off 229

Ella looks as confused as I am. This is an odd scene indeed. The coal blackface man is urging some other fellow to poke-out his tongue. After some goading, he obliges. The porridge worm worker grabs him by the tongue and rises from the table. Nathan finds it terribly funny. Ella appears to be uneasy. I share Ella’s unease. I have that troubled feeling you have when you’re out and a strange rowdy group is aggressively nice to you. There’s more than likely a mugging coming your way, but how can you not stay and talk when they’re calling you ‘mate’ loudly and being so social?

This coal miner could in fact be a doctor who performs minstrel shows as a hobby. He left his tongue depressor at the office and is forced to bizarrely latch onto the patient’s tongue. The patient is encouraged to bite the doctor/miner. “Stick-out your tongue and say, ‘Aaaaaarh’,” was clearly practiced differently in the 19th century.

Heaven’s Gate Minute by Minute: 102 of 229

30 Sep

102 of 229

…Tick-tock, tick-tock, tick-tock. Ella spends a lot of this movie naked. Perhaps it was a cost cutting measure. Period costumes are expensive and when you’ve got millions of extras, something’s gotta go.

What we have ourselves here is a good old-fashioned love triangle, minus the ‘good’. Wasn’t there an impending war a-comin’? Nath shot a Hungarian eighty minutes ago, yet he seems rather fond of the nude one next to him. What happened to the death list? $50 a day, plus expenses? And where the hell is John Hurt and the cows?

Oh, I get it! The expenses! Nathan is just racking-up some charges for the Stock Growers Association. I’m not sure you claim prostitutes on tax? Do they give you a receipt at a brothel? I’ll phone the Health Services Union to find out.

Hmm, the receptionist keeps hanging up on me. I’ll tweet the National Secretary. Ah, she says, “Only if you pay ‘em.”

Heaven’s Gate Minute by Minute: 86 of 229

14 Sep

86 of 229

James joins Ella in the hall. His skates have mysteriously disappeared. Continuity error! But Ella’s skates are gone as well. Where did they go? Did they leave together? Spin-off film idea – James and Ella’s skates fall in love and travel across country to discover the real America. After a long journey of personal progression, they reach the border and find that the real America was inside them all along.

Other spin-off idea: James and Ella’s skates escape their feet and embark on an hilarious caper to the big city to make some fast bucks on Wall Street. It’ll be called “Rolling In It” and star Charlie Sheen as the voice of James’ Skate #2.

James and Ella dance alone, while the band continues to play. I don’t like the knowing looks of the fiddle player. There’s something intrinsically troubling about violin players. Have a violin player stare at you while they play. Is one standing in front of you now? Good. Count them in. Are they looking at you? Let the music play for a time. You see what I mean! It’s the head tilt and mellifluous arm movements. C.R.E.E.P.Y! Get them out of your house before it’s too late!