Tag Archives: xanadu

Heaven’s Gate Minute by Minute: 200 of 209

1 Jun

Dear Mr. Godfrey,

Thank you for submitting your screenplay ‘Just West of Xanadu, A Musical Western’ for our consideration. We receive countless proposals from directors and writers each year and selecting potential scripts for production is an enormously difficult task.

Having said that, I absolutely loved your screenplay! We were on the lookout for a more subtle, understated project than we’d usually embark upon and I couldn’t put your script down.

I enjoyed all of it – the singing beards, the glitz, the music, the unusual step of including costume suggestions in the draft and I especially loved the symbolism of the sword and its longing to own a bread shop.

I wish to start preproduction immediately! Can’t wait to discuss the finer points of the many levels of your script.

Thank you and all the best,

Baz Luhrmann

Bazmark Inq

200 of 209

Woh. Is this scene a jump forward into the future? Jeff Bridges appears to climbing off a wagon in a different set of clothes, so time must have elapsed. Either that or he rehydrated himself and his tatty garments. Seems to have worked wonders.

Jim and Ella dress, for a very long time… in silence. Come on! We’re almost there! 19th century clothes take a long time to put on, that’s fair enough, but we’re so close to the end and what is this scene establishing? Post war, both still have the dexterity to dress?

The two are looking well groomed and well hydrated, I’ll give them that. Jim is looking a little thin but that’s nothing a potato and an overbearing personal trainer won’t fix.

I guess we are to assume that Jim and Ella got back together. Nothing like swoopin’ in on the bereaved. Jim, you ol’ dog…

twitter.com/SimonGodfrey

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Heaven’s Gate Minute by Minute: 166 of 209 and a bit…

13 Dec

Dear Mr. Godfrey,

Thank you for your letter of enquiry regarding the DVD release of Heaven’s Gate. To date, you’re the only person who has bought it, so I guess we owe you thanks.

As for the missing twenty minutes, MGM apologises, but as it states on the rear of the DVD cover, the film running time is just an approximation. You can appreciate ascertaining an accurate running time would have required one of our staff to sit through the film and we chose to spare our employees the tedium of doing so under advice that it was a potential OH&S risk. But MGM understands you have been inconvenienced and we hope you will accept our apology. 

However, MGM, as you suggested, will not be producing your screenplay Just West of Xanadu to ‘make up for it’. Your script has to be the single most mind numbingly idiotic thing ever committed to paper. And while on the subject of paper, a tip for next time – don’t submit work on velum. It’s an unnecessary expense for you and does not lend you screenplay the gravitas your hand written note, ‘Hey look – velum. Pretty bloody classy, hey? Must be a worthwhile script,’ claims.

I would sooner shoot an extra 20 minutes of Heaven’s Gate; assembling the principal cast, extras and production crew and digitally removing signs of age from the actors frame by frame myself, rather than take even one step toward production, like assigning a script editor, of your film.

Any correspondence we receive from you, will be destroyed, unopened, 

MGM

166 of 209 and a bit

Another town meeting. Jeff Bridges has the floor. The floor has lice, but is receiving delousing treatment next week. The discussion is about James and I think Jeff is arguing he should return. I don’t know if there are to be any other items discussed, I wasn’t sent an agenda in advance. I hate when people forget to do that.

Sometimes I think it’s done deliberately to keep me in the dark. I also believe my meetings are held underground with the lights off for the same reason. It gets so cold down there and I swear the person next to me keeps rubbing my arm on purpose. It’s not a lengthy rub, but long enough for it to be weird and not long enough that I can confidently call it deliberate.